Finding rope helped me to embrace my broken and different self as part of who I am and what makes me strong.
Finding rope helped me to embrace my broken and different self as part of who I am and what makes me strong.
There is a general expectation put out by society that part of being happy is to learn to love and accept ourselves. However, the method by which we each find this sense of self-love and worthiness is radically different for everyone and a lifelong process. Interestingly I never thought of myself as alternative or different but finding kink and as an extension rope and self-suspension, radically changed how I see myself today. I learned to embrace my differences and grow my resilience to shame by being brave enough to let down my walls and be vulnerable. Finding rope helped me to embrace my broken and different self as part of who I am and what makes me strong.
Discovering kink in college with my first serious partner was both the start of great discovery and happiness, but also shame and self doubt. The realization that I was different but there were other people like me was incredible. Unfortunately, being told that it is ok to be a masochist and actually internalizing this message don’t always happen on the same time line in my experience. Rope was an interest of mine from the beginning. I remember looking with longing and shame at the pictures on Fetlife of beautiful slender women suspended and contorted into elegant poses. I am a strong and well built girl with muscles and curves that I am now intensely proud of but then all I could see was what I wasn’t. My partner at the time was also not interested in rope, so I kept my fantasies to myself. There were so many other things to explore.
I will always remember the first time I was tied up. About a year after I began to explore kink a friend asked if I wanted to go to a local rope class and bottom for him. I agreed and as the class began I was blown away. I was so caught up in the sensation of the rope I forgot to breathe I was not worried about what I looked like in that moment because I felt stunning. All I wanted to do after that day was go home and learn everything about rope but unfortunately between school and partner limitations it was still not in the cards.
Fast forward 5 years and I am standing on a club stage in heels; heart pounding, hands shaking slightly, tightly gripping the oiled 30 foot of hemp, the lights thankfully blinding me to the stares of the many curious club goers. I breathe in, looking down at the rope in my hand and letting it out, I let go and just tie, my hands moving with memorized motions as if they are not my own. My mind focused, as I fly, I spin and I am my beautiful self.
Three years after that first experience with rope I graduated college and ended the relationship with that first partner. I then began to explore my fantasies with rope again and somewhere between being suspended in a park and being tied on a mountain the belief that I needed to look a specific way was banished. I started learning the mechanics of how to tie for the purpose of vetting riggers but as I learned and practiced the ties began to flow from my fingers. I attended weekend events like Bound in Boston and a variety of rope nights. I have never been into pick up play and I didn’t always find people I was comfortable being tied by so I would tie myself. I found that as my technical skill increased the joy of just being with myself in rope became my focus. The combination of erotic pain, endurance and the meditative sensation of letting my hands and mind work in tandem fulfilling me in ways I didn’t think possible. This is how I found myself flying on the stage of Bondage a Go Go in San Francisco feeling absolutely gorgeous. Self-suspension wasn’t something to do while I waited for someone to tie me, it had become a powerful and loved experience which stood entirely on its own.
I love rope because it becomes the intent you tie it with. Rope can encompass all of the things that make up my sexual kinky self; control, trust, submission, strength, self love, endorphins, endurance, intensity, aggression, pain and joy. Self suspension for me shuts off the part of my brain that needs to think about my life. It is motivation to be strong, fit and flexible and to be creative in finding ties that fit me. It is pride in my technical proficiency and hunger to always be learning more. After I am done with a self suspension. People ask “how do you do that?” I usually say education which will give you the technical skill and safety awareness along with a lot of practice. The self awareness to find why you enjoy rope is what I can’t teach or give someone. They have to find that for themselves.
Rope helped me to love myself. To look at the beautiful women suspended in pictures with appreciation not shame or envy. Kink is about finding what works for you, not becoming what you think you should be. I hope that whatever your kink may be you do it with joy and because it is part of who you are. If you are discovering rope for the first time or rediscovering it in a new way, please, make it yours. Self suspension helped me to see that I didn’t need to be the women in the photo I just needed to be me. I am not a self suspender. I am Phyllis and self suspension is only one amazing part of who I am.
